My plans for tomorrow night were cancelled again and it kind of got me down. Then, a few other things got into my head that I'm going through. Recently, I've been having some probems with life and it got triggered tonight. I'm going to be as honest as I can tonight, so if it scares you, you can stop right here. For all others, go on!
My cousin found me in the room I was in really upset. My cousin Bill is an amazing person and I am honored to have him as my cousin and to have him so close to where I go to school (4 hour train ride which isn't too bad honestly). Well, he found me in my room really upset and worried. Call it an anxiety attack, call it depression, call it whatever you want, its life. The good thing about my cousin is that he is honest.
I told him about the problems I was having with some friends and family and just life in general.
He stood there, looked me in the eye, and told me "I'm NOT going to stand here and tell you that I can make all your problems go away. But they DO get better".
I was so stressed, I felt like I wanted to die. I let him know. No, I didn't want to kill myself. I just wanted to disappear for awhile.
He told me "God, I know what it's like to feel lonely. But things WILL get better". He told me to wash up and come down to dinner. So I did.
We had dinner as a family (Him, his wife Jan ((my other amazing cousin)) and I) and looked at a family tree, which is a story in itself, since we have a very interesting history, and then my Cousin Bill and I had a heart to heart.
We talked about friends, family, love and the future. He told me that a friendship is mutual. I told him how sometimes I felt like I was the only one putting effort into friendships and getting closer, and he told me "it takes two". He made me realize that friends don't make others feel like shit and make time for each other, but that also people change too and that sometimes, things are the way they are and I have to keep searching for my place.
We talked about family. If you didn't know, most of my family has passed away, including my mother, and he knows that we don't have a big family. He assured me that he is there for me, and coming from my family, that means a lot.
We talked about fitting in and finding my place. I let him know I have some social problems and fitting in within my generation when I'm a little different. He made me unafraid of being myself and that sometimes it is hard to find friends and people who understand, but to not give up and to remember, I have to be happy and be true to myself.
Then he told me something that I never really heard from a lot of people, but I felt like I needed to here from someone in my family. I never really felt like I had many "hearts to hearts" with my family before, and this was something I sort of needed to here.
For the first time, I felt like I was having a "heart to heart" with my family. He told me that I shouldn't have to be afraid to begin again, wheather it be finding a different path of life, joining other things, going other places and trying things out. I'm not gonna say everything here, since some of this is personal and stays between my cousin and I, to make a long story short, I've entered Recovery Mode.
I have decided to face my demons and change myself for the better and concentrate on my well being a little bit more than I have. I'm going to eat healthier, loss weight, get into more things, face my demons, be happier with myself, maybe start again, be happier, not let people get to me, and I AM going to get myself out of thing slump I've been in. I'm going to start being true to me and not let people make standards for me, I'm gonna make my own and I'm going to get better. I'm going to be a better and stronger person.
Its going to take some time to change for the better, and to figure things out, but from this moment on, I'm going to improve myself and figure this out, and right now, I haven't felt stronger in weeks.
Not only did my cousin get me back on track, but tonight I also decided to face one of my biggest demons that has been haunting me for 8 months and I did VERY well! I confronted someone/something that has effected me, and I finally faced it and I turned the tables. I decided to not feel guilty and feel bad for being myself because of certain events that happened earlier this year and, surprisingly, I feel like my wounds are slowly healing. I was not afraid to stand up and say the truth tonight, as blunt as it was, and I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest tonight, and I felt alive, and tonight, I made a big step in my "recovery". And it just begins here.
I'm going to make sure that, everyday, I get a bit closer to "full recovery". I've decided to be my honest self now and that I'm done feeling hurt and like shit. Of course I will have my bad days, but tonight I will start again and build myself emotionally and physically, to be healthier both mentally and physically, and to get myself to a comfortable happy place. It will take some time, but I have little goals each day. I'm going to focus on being a better and happier person. Not everyone will like who I am, and I have to accept that, but at the same time say "fuck it, I'm moving on".
Who knows how much longer I will be in Columbia, or where I will be in a few months, because I'm a little lost at this point, but at the same time, I can't be afraid to begin again, because I know I can find happiness, and I have faith and hope I will find people I can make happy and that make me happy as well and to find a life I am happy with.
If anyone out there has felt the same way I have (and I know you're out there), don't be afraid to start again. I wish I had someone like my cousin to tell me that in my life earlier, and I may not be the closest to you or may not even really know you, but if you be true to yourself and try to be the best person you can be and find your own happiness, I assure you that you will make progress. I'm not going to say it's instant. It takes time, like everything does, but don't ever be afraid to begin again, because everyone deserves a second chance. Don't let people bring you down or tell you you can't, because no one can tell you what's good for you besides yourself. Don't let some society tell you you have to be a certain way or that you have to be like everyone else, because you DON'T. Be yourself, and you will eventually find that you can love you and others can love you. You might feel like me, lonely, and we all have our own demons and pasts and fears like I do, but don't let anyone tell you it's wrong. But also, don't be afraid to face them either and to improve yourself and begin again, because limiting yourself from living a true life isn't living a life at all. Be who you are, be honest of yourself, and let me be the first to honestly say I love you. To the haters and the phobic and to those who are afraid of others because they are different, I feel sorry for you. Fuck haters. No one deserves to be treated like dirt. I've found my new path tonight that I'm ready to go down, wheather with some people or alone. I'm not afraid to go down it and I will recover. This is TRUELY (I hope) the beginning of the rest of my life.
I know this entry has been sort of self centered but I felt like I had to say something and let people know. This is who I am! Take it or leave it. : )
Once I get home (I'm in Grand Rapids now with my cousins), I will be post the final part of THE LOST POEMS, and continue with other things. But for tonight, think about yourself and look in the mirror and find your real happiness. Well, at least begin.
I have begun my Recovery process, and I'm very optomistic about my life right now, and I hope everyone can feel a little bit of love and strength like I did tonight. Don't forget to check out the Video of the Day, and I'll catch you all later : )
SONG OF THE DAY: Not Afraid by Eminem
Can you guess why?? Happens to be the Video of the Day too by the way!
-Your Very Proud American Reject
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